I lace up my new Nikes. I wouldn’t usually support the company but they were on sale and we can’t always be the person we want to be. Double-knotted bows and I survey myself in the mirror. Turns out I’m matching from sports bra to shoes, that was unintentional but I smile because I look cute with my matching gear and bouncy ponytail. I eat an apple and chug another glass of water. I load the first podcast in the Couch to 5k series on my ipod and take a deep breath. Here we go. Time to start Operation: Stop Being A Whiny Ass Baby a.k.a Operation Improvement.
Running through the suburban Portland streets I try not to look at the roadkill as three chipmunks and squirrels flattened into the pavement go by my feet. My stomach turns over and the automated voice tells me to stop running and walk briskly for 90 seconds. My mind is where it always is these days; on him. Memories bubble up slowly and steadily underneath me. The things I wish I had never said. The things I wish I had never done. The places I regret going and coming back from. All the footsteps that have brought me here. The song changes and I start running again pounding the thoughts back into the ground. Burying them with purpose.
By the time it’s over and I’m walking home my outlook has changed. My knee aches and I am high on endorphins. I tell myself I’ll wait one more day and that’s it. After that it’s face-forward and no looking back. We do what we do and there’s no changing it, no going back, no making up for what is lost. These are the choices that make us who we are and take us where we need to be. I’m building the pattern now that I will someday look back on and find meaning in. I’m sick of retracing my steps and always looking over my shoulder to see who’s following this time. I’ve done those things. I’ve tried that. I’ve brought destruction to the serene and colour to the black & white. I’m a little bit closer now to what happens next and I want to be ready for it. It’s time to stop dwelling. Time to stop standing still.
Time to start running.
Damien Rice – Cannonball