She told me she was having doubts. She’d been having them for a long time. Regrets balanced with the need to know for sure. How long does it take to put things straight in your mind? To know that someone is wrong for you and to believe it. I’m not a role model here. I’m still strapped in riding this roller coaster. Each time I climb a hill and peer over the edge, I smile. The moment that your breath abandons you right before falling. Weightless. Rails rushing at you. Sharp turns. My mind doesn’t have time to think things through, I am hands in the air enjoying the ride. Of course, the ride is the same ride until the wheels clip and the car is suddenly derailed. We have no way of knowing. Safety inspections do nothing to prevent freak accidents. Still, I like the fear that this time might be the last time. I pull the bar down, exchange grins with my seat mate and wait for the groan of machinery to catapult me around the turn. Heart thumping. Hands shaking. The pause at the top and the view that reminds you some things were built to make you scream.
I tell her to wallow. To get right in there, her dark place. To cry until the tears dry up and no more tears come. To scream with abandon and throw things. Burn his clothes and rip up pictures. Demolish the memory of this relationship with gusto. Like a professional. To grieve for a while, yes. But, then, to get up and get out and pick up and move on. To polish that heart up for another. To love like loving’s all we have.
I just wish I could be there to share that first single girl shot. Hard and fast at the bar. Climbing the first hill, the fear and anticipation at the top, the world spread before us burning our eyes with the bright glare of promise. The other at our side and the men at our feet.
Tas, baby. This one’s for you.
Taylor Swift – Should’ve Said No