…And I Don’t Beg

Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova – Falling Slowly

(If you never got a chance to see the movie Once a couple of years ago, you should do so now)

I can’t escape him. Not when he still lives next door. Not when he continues to reiterate a standing invitation. Not when I already made the mistake of falling asleep in his arms and allowing my body to remember how it felt to be held. Some nights this loneliness eats me up and I am sliding my phone open, slipping on my shoes, heading for the door. I never open it, though. Something always stays my hand. I close my phone, replace my shoes in a thoughtful line, stare into the dark wondering if it will be like this always. Or, if all I need is distance. Distance and time.

My heart is stretched in too many directions. For every hurt I cure there is a new rip that must be repaired. I push and I pull and I quell the storm and I give in and I overflow. The pressure in my chest builds and I want. I want so much.

You keep on saying how important it is to stay vulnerable. I want to trust you. But, who do I know who is vulnerable anymore? These days we are all about constructing walls, drawing lines, and creating boundaries. You are stripping down my defenses and I want to believe it will turn out ok. That there is safety here. But, when you tell me you adore me I can’t see your face. When you are talking about the future I am just staring at my ceiling alone in the dark.

Paint me a picture, yes. But, then pull a Mary Poppins, step into the chalk and make it come true. I’m begging you…

…and I don’t beg.

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8 thoughts on “…And I Don’t Beg”

  1. It’s the same here, love.

    I’m afraid I don’t know the magic. We’ll have to wait, and trust. It will be dark plenty when we find each other, too. But there won’t be anything to fear in that.

  2. I there with you, alone and in the dark wondering what I did to make things turn out this way.
    My heart is on the outside, unprotected and terrified of getting broken…again.

    Great post, I relate

  3. “But, who do I know who is vulnerable anymore?”

    We all are. Every single one of us. Anyone who offers up their sentiments to another person or to the world, any person who’s ever opened themselves up to rejection or to being guiled or hurt.

    We’re all vulnerable. And that, more than anything, is what makes us all beautiful.

  4. I adore Once just as much as I adore Glen Hansard. He has a way of singing that makes you hang on to every word.

    Vulnerability and trust go hand in hand. Without one you can’t have the other. And without either you have darkness to answer to. Sometimes we just need to let go and wish for the best.

    There’s always hope.

  5. This song totally reminds me of Joey. I remember we all watched Once together (he thought it was such a beautiful movie) and now whenever I hear it I immediately think of him. It’s nice to have those things, even if they make you teary-eyed.

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