I graduate tomorrow.
Nothing is done. I haven’t picked up my hat and gown, nor did I participate in the search for the perfect grad dress. I skimmed through the convocation ceremony emails and promptly deleted them. I haven’t sent out notes to family members and friends declaring my entrance into the adult world. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m just not that interested in graduation.
I feel like a fraud. I didn’t work hard to get into university, I didn’t have to pay for tuition or books, and when it came to classes I hardly went. I coasted through my degree the same way that I have every other responsibility in my life and I’m not particularly proud of it. Yes, so I finally settled on a double major of English and Sociology but that was mostly because I couldn’t stomach going back for yet another year of my undergrad, and I could easily satisfy the degree requirements. Key word being “easily”.
My mother wants to give me my diploma on the stage. She can do this because she is a professor at my university. She will probably hug me and cry and I will look out into the audience bewildered. How did I get here? What have I done with my time?
I feel like a fraud, because I am. I don’t deserve to walk across that stage like everyone else. I put my time in and I did the work, but I wasn’t there. I wasn’t present, living it the way the others were. The students who threw themselves into campus culture and life. The students who got to know their profs and truly loved the material they taught. I don’t deserve the opportunities I have been given.
If I could do it all over. I would be better, this time.
Bon Iver – The Wolves (Act I and II)