We’ve already broken up and gotten back together twice. We’ve passed the drama and the doubt. I have already made the mistakes that will shape what we become and you have forgiven me every step of the way.
This is before we stop having anything to talk about. Before you encourage me to follow my dreams and before I realize those dreams take me in the opposite direction to yours. This is after I emotionally leave you and then find my way back again but before we get a puppy and spend weekends laying in bed three-way cuddling for hours.
Here in this moment we are in between the beginning and the end. I haven’t yet realized that the habits we are forming will soon become memories. The things I am saying to you now will someday be the things I look back on with nostalgia and wonder when they started to fade.
You are holding me and I am perfectly content. But simultaneously I am a year ago pushing you against the wall, possessing you with me eyes, daring you to give in to temptation. I am here, now, cuddled into the space between your ear and your shoulder, but I am also a year later, staring at the floor and giving up. I am on a beach running ahead but glancing back to make sure you are there, chasing me. I am hugging my knees to my chest reading your texts and trying to breathe without sobbing. I am running into you accidentally at a club while secretly out with another guy. I am telling you I love you for the first time. I am telling you I don’t love you anymore.
I am climbing out of the other man’s bed and leaving in the middle of the night before he wakes up. I am calling you as I walk home. I am straying and you are waiting patiently for me to come home.
I am making you dinner and laughing at a joke you tell. I am shrieking as you chase me into another room. I am sighing as you lift me against a wall. I am melting as you kiss me…all…down…my…chest. I am whispering your name.
But, I am also crying silently while we make love and then turning away when you discover the tears.
I am in the past, the present, and the future. Mixed up and jumbled until I can’t tell which way is up. I am drowning in your love because I can’t find the surface. You are the best and the worst I have ever known. I keep leaving but the path always returns to you. Until, I can’t remember why I ever left in the first place.